Made in Heaven or alternately, in China

This was an advertisement I saw in Face Book today:

Mangalsutra – Buy 1 get 1 free!

What is the fuss?  What is a ‘Mangalsutra’?

It is the Indian equivalent of the wedding ring, but unlike the wedding rings, this chain-with-a-pendant(s) is worn solely by the wife. Every community in India (irrespective of religion) has its own version of this ornament that signifies that you carry your husband close to your heart. You can look it up on Wikipedia here.

In my family, making of a Mangalsutra is a ceremony by itself. After the wedding date has been set (with or without the agreement/acknowledgement of bride and groom), a ‘holy’ day is chosen to cast this all-important pendant that carries more weight than its mere weight in gold. Yes, it is cast out of 22 carat gold. This gold may partly be contributed by the groom’s ancestors or could be purchased completely new. It has to be the groom, though, that pays for it.

Of course, the melting and the final casting will be done by an artisan who has been doing this for at least 25 years, if not more – he has to be a master goldsmith. Because, the belief is, if not done with a pure heart and holy blessings and in the right manner, it could make or break a marriage.

And you thought making of the ‘One Ring’ was difficult! Move over, Sauron!

Hit or Miss (America)

I know a lot has been written about the Miss America pageant already and I have probably missed the boat (sorry, I have been busy living my life) but better late than never, right?  So here goes – my rantings on this subject for your personal pleasure!

My question for all americans that made sarcastic tweets about immigrants – I paraphrase Chris Rock’s question from Lethal Weapon 4

“Your ancestors were native americans, were they?”

And now, for my most important question, to the Indians and Indian newspapers who oh-so with righteous wrath poured acid remarks on Americans:

“do you seriously believe that Ms. Davuluri would have won Miss India?!?”

Mind track

I got a note from my 8-yr old son’s Hindi teacher yesterday, saying that he was singing during the lessons and had disturbed the class. My son is usually a well-behaved child – sometimes so well-behaved that I worry if he will ever have any fun or grow up to regret not having been naughty! And then there are times like this….

I asked him why he did that and he told me that he just couldn’t get this song off his mind and did not realize that he was humming it and did not intend to disturb the class. We are not native Hindi speakers and having had had no exposure to that language till he turned 7, my son finds it difficult to follow the lessons sometimes. So I wanted to give him the benefit-of-doubt that his mind wandered during the class. After giving him a stern talk-to about how learning anything will only make him smarter and how he should never ever disturb others even if he cannot follow what the teacher is saying, I asked him what he was singing. It was this silly song from ‘The Diary of the Wimpy Kid‘, he said.

And now I have been infected! I have a tendency to have a soundtrack running in my head all the time, be it a song or music or even prose – my mind has an audio and video track. I marvel at what the human brain is capable of – chopping broccoli and my brain is singing a salsa song! Just imagine what this seemingly simple task involves – your eye co-ordinating with your hand so that you do not chop off your finger by mistake and in addition, your brain is screening your last Zumba lesson complete with the Salsa track plus all the involuntary things going on – breathing, heart-pumping etc. Amazing! And then you have this ear worm phenomenon where a song repeats in your head like a broken record!

How to get rid of this? My husband’s strategy is called the ‘counter song’. He says if a song gets stuck in your head, all you have to do is, listen to another song – the “counter song” – till you get rid of the previous one. The danger is, you might get stuck with the counter song but at least it will be a song of your choice and not chance.

I am not sure if listening to ‘Greensleeves’ (The King’s Singers version), is going to save me from the Wimpy kid, but let us hope so. Otherwise, I cannot in good conscience discipline my son and let him in on the secret of the ‘counter song’, can I?

-Inspired by the Daily Prompt: Earworm

http://dailypost.wordpress.com/2013/07/10/daily-prompt-inspiration/

Why Indian Government should take Tony Stark as role-model

“I’ve successfully privatized world peace. What more do you want ”

When Robert Downy Jr.’s character Tony Stark looks at the American senate and delivers this with such panache, people probably clapped for the witticism. Many probably failed to notice how profound this is. Lots of the development in human history came about not because the Government put its back to it but because private sector wanted to make money off it. Distasteful, you say? No, this is what you call ‘providing an incentive’.

Many of you have probably read the ‘Freakonomics’ or ‘Superfreakonomics’ where the authors had gathered many examples to show that people respond to incentives – be it emotional (“feeling good”=”charity”) or physical (cash or material). So why not give the private sector an initiative to make things better for the whole while still increasing shareholder value?

My driver’s sister-in-law is 4-years old (yes, its probably a very complicated story with a simple explanation, but I do not know the story and so let us skip that). He had brought the little girl to live with them in Goa as there is no one to take care of the child in Bihar (a state in North India). This girl is the same age as my daughter and I was ready to help them with her education. When I asked him why she is not in school yet, if it was the money, he told me that it was because she does not have a birth certificate. There is no proof on paper that this child exists – she is standing in front of me, she even touched my feet to get my blessings but she is invisible to all the officials.

I asked my driver S what happened to her birth certificate; he says her parents never registered her birth even though she was born in a hospital. He went on to tell me how the Government actually gives the people money to deliver the babies in the hospital – Rs 1000 for a boy and Rs 2000 for a girl. What happens to the money? The parents usually have to buy sweets and presents for the entire village and then usually nothing is left of the money after a day or two. OK, why doesn’t the hospital register the birth?

“Where, Madam, the parents do not want anything to do with the Government, so they take the money and walk away as quickly as possible and leave the hospital as soon as the doctor/nurse says go”.

I was frustrated.

The importance of punctuation

Even into the late 90s, telegrams were what you sent in India, if you want something to go viral – be it good or bad news. It was the #twitter for 160 years. The catch was, you had to be concise – every letter, number and sign counted. You have to think of what you wanted to say and then try and say it in as few words as possible. If you turned up at the telegram counter, it meant you have something so important to say that you are willing to pay hard cash for it.

Receiving a telegram, on the other hand, was filled with trepidation. It usually brought bad news, as bad news travels faster than any other kind (except videos of Psy which travels at speed of light). So if the post man enters your gate and announces “telegram”– it was, literally, a matter of life or death. It meant someone has either passed away or is about to or a new life has come into this world. Either way, life came to a standstill at the receiving end. Sometimes people would shoot the messenger and curse the post man that delivered the bad news or he would be praised for bringing the good news. Then life at that household would take a deep-breath and continue.

Imagine my surprise then, when I received a telegram on a fine day in July 1998 at my hostel room in IITMadras. I was terrified to open it- it was from my home town but I knew of no one that is close to me or my family, who was having a baby. By clever process of elimination, my mind had come to the conclusion it must be death then that the telegram carries. With trembling hands, I opened the blue telegram and it said “come to Madurai – A”. I exploded in relief and anger.

‘A’ was a German exchange student at my university in 1998. He and a couple of his friends were on a road trip around South India and he was on his way to my home town, Madurai. He knew that I had taken other German exchange students to my place in Madurai. And he had the gall to send me a telegram, ordering me to come to Madurai. I was so offended that I must have ranted for an hour to my friends about this spindly, blond, condescending German guy! What was he thinking of himself?! I should drop everything I have and coming running to play tour guide?!? How dare he?!? 

After that angry adrenaline come down, I went off to classes and my life continued. But I kept the telegram. Looking back now, I wondered if my heart knew what my head did not. In any case, the telegram was carefully saved and was brandished when ‘A’ got back, as an example of how rude he had been to me.

‘A’ listened patiently to my carefully controlled outburst and asked to see the telegram. I threw it, well, not in his face, he is more than a head taller than me, lets say I threw it in his general direction. He looked very stricken after reading it and told me that he had put a question mark at the end of the statement but the telegraph guy had not included it! I was speechless.

He was on a budget travel and he really wanted to see me. He decided on sending a telegram. As he had to compress his message, he thought instead of writing “Please Come to Madurai(Stop)”, he would write “Come to Madurai(question mark)”. I don’t think the telegraph guy/lady ever had to send a message with a question-mark in it, so they turned it into a full stop.

That was the story of how punctuation caused our first lovers’ tiff though at that time I had no inkling that this is going to be a love story. It has been fifteen years now since that telegram, but my husband has never forgotten his lesson in the importance of correct punctuation, even in emails. 

Related articles

• The World’s Last Telegram Will Be Sent Next Month (newser.com)

Secrets

A while ago, I read somewhere that if its on a computer, its not a secret. I forgot who said that. I am sure Google knows who said that. I am sure Google knows everything including what I did last summer. Oh wait, I posted that on Facebook. Okay, fine, you won Internet, but only this time! But the Governments will never know!

I don’t like anyone knowing everything about me – how am I going to be the mid-30s mysterious someone if everything about me is known, especially my date of birth?! Oh wait a minute, that is something I have to fill up in every form I ever had to fill, on-line or otherwise.

They know about me watching ‘Game of Thrones’? Damn! Now they know what kind of TV programs I like! They are going to tell my mom about this R-rated show? Oh no, oh no. They also know that I download stuff which could fall into gray-areas of electronic piracy? You are scaring me!

Ah, but they will never know where I live! What do you mean my address is there on every ‘collect royalty points’ card? They know where I live?! Blessed heaven, I got to move to an unknown village in Bhutan immediately. Better pack my bags and get that plane ticket. Oh, the ticketing data is saved on the computer and it will be traceable? Why are you telling me all this?!

If the Government has nothing better to do than read all my emails which involves long shopping lists, forwards of days old jokes, Nigerian get-rich-quickly emails, chain-letters about Microsoft giving away a dollar for a forward, I guess, we might as well let them get along with it!

Hey, all you bad guys, waiting to annihilate the planet – this is your chance, the Governments are busy looking at the porn collections of various individuals, go ahead and invade the planet right now!

My advice, if you want to keep it a secret, right it down in a diary in random cryptic teen-speak through all ages, in a handwriting similar to my husband’s – even you won’t be able to read it in a couple of years.

As for me, time has come to flag down a spaceship and explain to the alien why it is so important to get off the planet before my broadband bill turns up! 

My Casting Couch – a one-act play

Cast of Characters 

Me(Kallu) – looking for an actor to play a role

Benedict Cumberbatch (BC)/(Holmes) – actor who has kindly taken up my invitation to come by for a chat.

(all characters in this play are fictional, except me and my husband. Mr. Cumberbatch and Mr. Grimwood are real, of course, but since prior consent was not obtained, they are to be considered purely fictional for the purpose of this post) 

–Act I-

(the office – bright sunny room with doors to left and right, white, pristine leather couch-set in a u-shaped arrangement in the middle, french windows in the back open to a breathtaking sea-view, a small glass coffee table with coffee/tea service service sitting on it, a few books can be seen on the table. Kallu seated on one of the armchairs with a mug of steaming Colombian coffee in her right-hand)

-Scene I-

{Knock at the door, Kallu puts coffee down, gets the door to the left}

Kallu : Oh, Welcome Mr. Cumberbatch. Very kind of you to have accepted my invitation

BC : {enters left} Thank you. Mrs M, I presume

 Kallu : Yes, that’s me, but you can call me Kallu. Please {indicates one of the comfy armchair}

BC : {seats himself} Nice place, Kallu.

Kallu : Why, thank you Mr. Cumberbatch. May I offer you some coffee*? Milk? Sugar?

{BC indicates his preferences with nods or shakes and now they are both seated with steaming mugs in their hands}

Kallu : Do you mind if I call you Mr. Holmes? Somehow, its more intimate don’t you think?

 BC : Err..

Kallu :{beaming} Oh jolly good then. So Mr. Holmes, did your agent tell you about my proposition? This little idea of mine?

Holmes :{uncomfortable now} err… intimate,… proposition… I am not sure where this is going..

Kallu : {tinkling laugh} Oh no, you are a tease Mr. Holmes. Nothing of that sort. No, not, at all. I just want to cast you as a vampire

Holmes : {relieved and surprised} A vampire? Me? Shouldn’t it be the other English guy you should be talking to? Robert Pattinson? He seems to be a popular vampire now-a-days.

Kallu : {aghast} Oh, no, Mr. Holmes, its not that kind of a vampire. I would like to cast you as my most favourite vampire-assassin, from an alternate Venice in the 15^th century

Holmes : A vampire from Venice?

Kallu : {hands over a set of novels from the coffee table} 

The Assassini series by Jon Courtney Grimwood. You are it, Mr. Holmes, down to your Byronic locks, piercing grey-blue eyes, the nose and those cheekbones *sigh*

{staring at Holmes for a while}

Holmes : {blushes, clears his throat}

Kallu : {snaps out}, sorry, where was I?

Holmes : why I should be a vampire..

Kallu : ah yes, I do get carried away sometimes. Well, you have this way of looking young and boyish but at the same time sounding much older than your age! You are a perfect fit.

Pehla Nasha A Capella by Alaa Wardi

He is magic!

To believe, or not to believe: that is the question

My most read post so far seems to be ‘Blood of the innocent’. This proves what ‘The Player’ says in ‘Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead‘:

The Player: We’re more of the love, blood, and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.

Guildenstern: Is that what people want?

To this the Player replies “It’s what we do”; in my case, I must say, my readers only want blood and gore.

Now that I brought up this wonderful movie, let me give you three reasons why you should watch this movie – Tim Roth, Gary Oldman and Richard Dreyfuss. And all you ‘Game of Thrones’ fans – go see Ser Jorah when he was young and hamlety. But the movie is Tim and Gary – I am still not sure who plays Rosencrantz and who Guildenstern. I looked it up at imdb – but then I realized, the whole point of the play/movie is the confusion. Perhaps, when Shakespeare wrote Hamlet, he meant these two characters to be more than “they came, they said two words and they died”. But in the version of Hamlet that got published and that we all know today, they were not just minor, but such minute characters, that makes you wonder, were they necessary to the plot?

One man, though, did not just stop at wondering why these cameo roles are placed in a plot so serious as to make Denmark’s tourism suffer till date, but went on to write a brilliant play based on these two hapless fellows, who come and go with as much importance as a plastic potted plant in a dentist’s office. Tom Stoppard’s genius ends not just in writing the play and adapting it for a full-length movie, what makes the movie so eminently watchable is the cast – picture-perfect cast.

I first saw Tim Roth in ‘Rob Roy‘. He was evil and I did not like that film much – it felt like ‘Braveheart returns’ (though I am unsure which came first, I saw Rob Roy after Braveheart). But the first time I took notice of Tim Roth was when I watched ‘Pulp Fiction’ – he was memorable and his British accent was adorable, especially when he is oh-so-casually talking about knocking off liquor stores.

Gary Oldman, I saw for the first time in ‘Air Force One’ – where the President of America, single-handedly beats up hundreds of Russian thugs and outwits everyone of those poor chaps. I mean Russians probably did not get to watch many American movies in the 80s, even then, if Harrison Ford is the President, then I, as terrorist, would just wait another 4 years for change of rule and then kidnap the First Family. You just don’t mess with Harrison Ford man, you just don’t – its like the unspoken rule in Hollywood. You just keep away or you pay the casting director to give you the good guy roles. Anyway, coming back to Gary Oldman, he was a very convincing bad guy.

So it was a mild shock to see these two guys together in a movie, playing clueless victims. I had not read the play, so I went through half of the movie wondering where this is all leading, if they will suddenly turn villainous and start robbing stagecoaches, when Enter ‘The Player’ – Richard Dreyfuss.

My first encounter with Richard Dreyfuss was ‘Mr. Holland’s Opus‘. I am an Indian, so overacting and sentimental drama is our daily bread. Even then, ‘Mr. Holland’s Opus’ was a bit difficult for me. I did not hate the movie or anything but it was somehow too cough-syrupy for me – bitter and put me to sleep. This was before I saw ‘Jaws’ and then I thought, hey, any scientist that would go to study an obviously killer Great White must have been badly disappointed with life. Then I saw ‘Rosencrantz….’ and I was overwhelmed. He delivered his lines with such personality that he became my favourite character in the movie. (As an honorary mention, I also liked him in ‘What about Bob’).

Coming back to the blood and rhetoric dialogue, when I first saw the scene where the troupe put up all their plays in seconds in the middle of a road in the dark, I was awe-struck. That, right there, was what you call willing suspension of disbelief. It is ludicrous in this computer-animation era but imagine the dreams plays must have portrayed in the 14th century. A time with no electricity or plumbing and yet ever ready to improvise.

This is what the Player says about us the audience:-

Player King: Audiences know what they expect and that is all they are prepared to believe in

Do you want to know what I believe? I believe in everything these actors show me, at least for a while, till the credits roll and the lights come on.

-The End-

Interview with a Vice-President

We get this supplement employment news along with Times of India every Wednesday, with advice on career development and job opportunities and ads. I like to know what opportunities exist – you know, keep abreast of the market and stuff. Today’s front-page article was about how Senior Executives in India would answer if they were the interviewees instead of interviewers.

I am panicking. I will never get a job, ever!

I would not say I am suave or sophisticated but I am not a barbarian either. I have a degree in engineering from a reputable university and consider myself passably eloquent. I can do etiquette and have tea with the Queen, if I have to or pretend to be intelligent and give a power point presentation on any subject with some amount of research (books and Google are not unknown to me). But what I cannot do is bullshit at a level expected by these ‘Senior Executives’. Although my not-so-secret power is, indeed, bullshitting, I have to draw the line somewhere.

What one of the VP suggested as an answer to the question “If selected, can you describe your strategy for the first 60 days” (remember the answer has to be generic enough to fit any company)

“In the first 60 days, I would try and understand my role in the context of its contribution to the overall profitability and growth of the company. I would like to progressively work with my line manager on understanding the things that have been done in the past and formulating a forward-looking plan to accomplish set goals or targets with specific time-lines”

No, I did not forget the commas or full-stops – this was the answer, without a comma, a pause. It made me gag – I see that I am just not going to be able to cut it in the market today.

(A small intermission to tell you of my work profile till date – I joined a small software start-up in 2000 and stayed with them till 2012, I left the company because we had the chance to come to India as part of my husband’s job and India is my native country and I want my children to have a bit of India in them. I loved my job and had great colleagues and it was pure fun. I got to learn and try out new things and rise through the ranks to be the “department head” at a place that had a flat hierarchy. I got the job over a chat with my ex-boss who hired me based less on my very sparse CV at that time, more on my willingness to work and learn. I got lucky and they never regretted it)

Here I am, after gathering 12-years of work experience in various positions and yet at a loss of how to ever come up with such answers, at an interview. I have been on the other side of the table and have hired freshers for my company but never expected an answer like that, now I see that I have been all wrong all along. If only I had had a proper education in such things or been in a more ‘traditional’ company, I would have come up with such an answer. My idea of interview answers till now, were based on Dilbert comics and that, I am beginning to believe is, not a good idea.

One other Q&A that shook me up- “Would you be willing to take a salary cut?”. The answer is as follows

“Yes. Salary is a notional number. I expect a job to have several dimensions: a learning environment; great people to work with; respect and a pay package- in that order. A great package without the other three is a mirage. I believe that a good company ensures its people are paid well”

After reading the last sentence, I was thoroughly confused – did I now say Y”es, I will readily take a pay cut or did I just say, I expect you to give me loads and loads of money because otherwise you are the bad guys”?!? And what is a notional number when it comes to salary? Do you get imaginary payments? So the cut would be imaginary too? Do they pay you in ideas? or ideals?

Being a mother of two young children, I, more than appreciate any additional perks at a job, like home-office, flexible hours, in-house daycare, an encouraging work environment etc. But how can I ask for great colleagues when I am just starting at a company? Can they assure me that? Wow, where do I sign up for this place?

Then there was this question “What do you think your previous boss”? The answer as recommended:

“My boss had some great skills, which I leveraged. I have chosen to learn from my bosses. The present one is no exception”.

That sounds like the last boss was someone who ate babies for breakfast! ‘some great skills’ – really?!?!? Like what, reverse parking in a narrow-slot? make kick-ass coffee with your latest Espresso machine? What then? And how did you leverage it? And what do you mean you have ‘chosen to learn from my bosses’ – is he Dalai Lama?

And when someone says ‘The present one is no exception’ – that sounds bitter!

By the time the question about ‘Do you have any questions’ was listed, I was wringing my hands hard and hyperventilating. After a while, I calmed down and thought of strategies to overcome my shortcomings. I realized I was totally out of my depth here, so I thought I will ask my husband for help; he is a sort of a senior executive in one of the world’s largest companies.

 Oh, no, wait a minute, he is an engineer and a Dilbert reader too. I am doomed!